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Last week I was terrified when Luann was behind the wheel of the duo’s borrowed pick-up truck and Sonja Tremont Morgan of the 1-877-Kars-4-Kids Morgans wouldn’t put the directions in Waze for her. This is a woman who had a collision with a bush and she wasn’t even driving. What do you think will happen while she tries to put on her readers, open her phone, and thumb directions into Waza, all while navigating a strange town and turning the steering wheel with her knees?
This week it’s even worse. As the two drive from the newly renovated Motel Benton to start preparing for their town-wide Christmas in July, Luann is doing her makeup while trying to operate a functioning motor vehicle. She’s putting on her blusher, as my grandmother would say, without one single hand on the wheel. Even worse, it looks like her whole makeup bag exploded in her lap. It’s like Sephora was riding in the backseat and found out about the safety precautions in the CrapMobile and it just barfed up an entire makeup display right there onto Luann’s pantsuit. I know there are PSAs about driving and texting, but where are the ad campaigns to combat vehicular makeup homicide?
Yes, the motel is renovated and it’s looking nice. Not only did Lu and Sonjarita buy their home away from home a hot tub (which Sonja calls her bone away from bone), but they also hired someone to paint a gorgeous mural of a hunting scene where a bunch of bucks in shadow stand around a wooded glen. In the very middle of the mural is an avenue of oak, birch, and pine trees leading up to the setting sun. It’s the kind of place you’d get lost for an hour if your edible is a little too strong.
The women’s rooms aren’t that much improved, though. Luann slapped some pink curtains and matching duvets in her room, along with her new carpet, and she seems to think these are luxury combinations. Sonja says her room now has a walk-in closet because she can fit her whole body into the closet. You can’t say the same for her basement. You can’t get a full human down there with all the years-old Wesson oil that’s been piling up. Anyway, the best feature of either room is the giant cock painting that Sonja has on her wall. No, not that kind of cock. But I have imagined a narrative behind the painting, and it’s that Billy Richard painted it for Sonja and shipped it up to her at the motel and she’s been displaying it proudly ever since. “Billy sent me a picture of his cock!” she would have shouted at Luann when revealing her gift, in the scenario I invited in my mind. (Catholic Jesus, I really need to stop watching reality television.)
The big event in this episode is a Christmas in July party that the mayor asked the women to throw for the town. Sonja and Lu had production buy the town fake Christmas trees, giant lighting displays, a fake snow maker, and a foam maker so big that even the largest dance club in Ibiza was like, “Girl, it’s too much foam!” I swear, this whole show is just a boondoggle to get NBCUniversal to spend its money on one poor, downtrodden town. Who knew that this country’s greatest wealth distribution engine would be reality television?
The ladies put on their Sexy Lady Santa costumes that they borrowed from the PA’s Halloween closet, and Luann gives us an aphorism for the ages: “What’s the difference between sexy and slutty? Not much!” Then Sonja does a freestyle rap in front of the mirror about how no one knows the hoes she’s a-ho-ing. I would make it my ringtone if this were 2004 and I still had a Swarovski encrusted Sidekick.
When Sonja and Lu finally arrive at the event, Craig, the parks and rec guy who is the true hero of this whole series, says, “When they pulled up, I thought, Oh God, they look like hookers.” That is not the first time that Craig has said that or that Lu and Sonj have heard it. But at least Sonja decided to put her knickers on because there would be children present. I mean, that didn’t stop Sonja from flashing everyone her thong every time she bent over. One of the 197 billion reasons I love Sonja is because, for her, wearing a thong under a tiny dress is considered demure. But, yeah, there are going to be a bunch of Bentonian children scarred because they saw right up Mrs. Clause’s chimney.
The episode was not without a little bit of drama. Our dynamic duo has to perform their song about Benton for their upcoming Follies and somehow try not to look exactly like Dorothy and Rose singing “Miami, Miami, you’ve got style.” Luann wants to be able to rehearse the song so that the pair don’t humiliate themselves in front of the 60 people who have so far bought tickets. But she has a hard time doing that because Sonja keeps changing the lyrics to the song.
I think this is a situation where they’re both right and they’re both wrong. Sonja wanted to change the song to put the names of all the people who helped them along the way into the ditty. I think that’s admirable and, as she said, makes the song less about them and more about the town they came to help. However, Sonja keeps saying, “We’ll fix this. We’ll edit it. It will be great.” No, Sonja Sonj, the time is now. (“Blue skies, sunshine, white sands by the miiiiiiiiiiiiile.” Sorry, it’s stuck in my head.)
This is where Luann is right. They do need to rehearse, so Sonja needs to get the song right and pronto. But I’m glad she’s fixing it. This reminds me of something I always tell my ghostwriting clients: “You can care how good it is and work, or you can not care how good it is and not work. You just can’t care about how good it is and not work.” I think this is the case of two carers who only want to work at Pilates class and ordering around their interns.
They are a little embarrassed that they have only sold 60 tickets so far, so they devise a foolproof plan to sell tickets: Paula Abdul, the only mortal woman married to a cartoon of a dancing cat. Sonja and Lu bring the pop idol and accomplished choreographer in to work with one of the groups who is performing at the Follies. The girls try to appear impressed, but they weren’t even a bit of glitter in their mommies’ ovaries by the time she was off American Idol, so they probably have no idea why she’s turned up to order them around. I’m as confused as these girls about how this is going to sell tickets. At least production thought enough to get Paula a car and driver. Do you know there are women around these parts putting their eyelashes on behind the wheel?!
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