Photo: Jocelyn Prescod/Bravo
“There’s so much more to the story … and trust me, you’re all gonna want to hear it.” Those words, spoken by Monica Garcia, a.k.a. Reality Von Tease, at the end of last week’s bombshell finale echo back as we begin the first part of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion. And hear it we will, but that was only one episode, and we have a whole season of drama to relive first.
Over time, Bravo has learned never to let the cameras go down during any part of reunion day — whether it be arrivals, glam, lunch, or smoke breaks, production isn’t risking missing a thing. That’s what gives us incredible moments like Heather, Lisa, and Whitney praying in the elevator down to the soundstage. “Archangel Michael, please protect us,” Whitney says. Imagine being Archangel Michael and getting this assignment. If God’s hand can be seen in anything, it’s this season of RHOSLC.
And speaking of needing protection, the last to arrive on set is Monica, who dramatically descends down the staircase and takes her seat next to Andy on their snowy Bermuda set, which he describes as an “acid trip.” Andy notes it’s the first time the women have all been together since we saw them in Bermuda. But before they get into why that is, Andy invokes the name of You Know Who, asking them what it was like shooting without Jen Shah. Most of the women shrug it off, but Heather says she initially feared that the audience wouldn’t want to watch without the craziness and toxicity that Jen brought to the table. But luckily we had Jen 2.0 arriving just in time to continue her legacy.
And that’s naturally who we kick things off with, seeing a package of Monica’s greatest hits throughout the season, including Lisa’s claim that she wants to be her. “Do you wanna be Lisa?” Andy asks her as the segment ends. “No,” she assures us. But she does talk about feeling insecure joining the show, hence the story line about her buying the expensive bag to try to fit in. This of course leads to her frustration over Lisa losing her $60,000 ring.
Lisa wants to make it clear that she only mentioned the price of the ring three times (hmmm … roll footage!) and that the reason she was so upset was because it was a gift from John after their youngest almost died at birth. She was potentially unable to have more kids after that, and the ring was a sentimental symbol of her “two beautiful babies” — which Monica respects but says she didn’t know about. The one point she’s willing to walk back in this relitigation is calling Lisa part of the one percent. “I was incorrect; you’re definitely not the one percent,” she digs while using Shaquille O’Neal as her point of reference for what one percent means.
As for the rumors that Monica pocketed the ring while searching through the used tampons, she thinks Lisa and Heather were the source of that claim, which they deny. Lisa attests that she doesn’t think Monica actually stole it, but when she talks about wanting the original ring back, she looks directly at her. Monica, much like Erika Jayne, is a showman. Had she actually stolen the ring, we all know she would have worn it to the reunion. Somewhere in this back and forth, Angie makes the mistake of chuckling, prompting Monica to redirect her ire and call her a “bench-warming bitch” and tell her that this conversation doesn’t involve her, “just like most of the season.”
The conversation turns back to Jen Shah — as most of my conversations do — and Monica explains that she went from being her friend to employee to enemy. Andy’s brow furrows as Monica explains that she was never paid but rather ran errands and assisted her pro bono after Jen had shot the first season. Heather asks if this was some kind of ploy to follow in the footsteps of Kim Kardashian, going from assistant to star, but Monica denies this …falling right into Heather’s trap. Detective Gay immediately pulls out her phone to play an audio clip in which Monica says, “Kim Kardashian was a fucking assistant, and look at that bitch now. I can fully admit that the whole reason why I was an assistant and putting up with that shit was as a stepping stone.” Masterfully caught in a lie, Monica maintains that she never thought she’d actually end up on the show … but why not apply for the hell of it?
Monica tells us that her application was an email to the casting department telling them their show sucks, their ratings are shit, and they’ll get canceled because they have the wrong cast. Lying about your castmate is one thing, but lying about production is a losing game, and sure enough they pull up the actual email that Monica sent, which said nothing of the sort. Instead, the tame message read, “You guys need a feisty excommunicated Latina on the show immediately!! I’m your girl!”
Monica, it pains me to say, has lost any semblance of credibility with this one-two punch. Lying is one thing, but lying about something so easily disprovable (and inconsequential) demonstrates an addiction to lies that takes precedence over actually getting away with it. That’s why her tale about reaching out to the federal investigators with information against Jen sounds a little taller this time around. It seems good, sure, but is it the truth? Or is it another casting-email situation?
What’s more compelling is once again hearing about her affair with her brother-in-law and the excommunication and rebaptism that followed. She also talks about the process of having to relive it after sharing it on television and the litany of negative social-media comments calling her a whore — which is something that Whitney says she can relate to, having received similar backlash after sharing her own infidelity. Are we seeing a bridge beginning to form here? “The comments really hurt,” Heather chimes in, which at first sounds like sympathy but is more likely a masterful nod to Reality Von Tease.
Monica finally gets a break to catch her breath as we turn our attention to four other conflicts/relationships that we watched unfold this season: Meredith vs. Whitney, Lisa vs. Meredith, Whitney vs. Lisa, and Heather vs. Whitney. Much to unpack, but we begin with Whitney and Meredith’s bathtub-induced Palm Springs blow-up, in which Whitney accused her of always citing some external excuse to get out of conflicts. Meredith maintains that she doesn’t ever need an excuse to recuse herself from a fight; in fact, history shows that she will happily “disengage” anytime she likes, with or without an excuse.
As for Whitney and Lisa’s conflict over Lisa not supporting her enough following the death of her best friend, a flashback shows Lisa doing just that at the party, and in Bermuda, Whitney even said she was checking up on her too much — putting Lisa in a lose-lose situation. This season especially, Whitney is coming into conflict with feelings rather than facts. Since Lisa is coming with facts, Whitney’s argument crumbles very quickly. But their friendship luckily survives, as we see in the conversation about the friend triangle in which Whitney and Heather are both fighting for Lisa’s affections.
All right, back to Monica. A fan wrote in asking why Angie was so quick to forgive Monica since she was the one who actually brought up the gay rumors about her husband. Angie admits that in the moment she was focused on Meredith, and after their meeting at the dessert shop she was convinced to give Monica the benefit of the doubt. Essentially, she was buying everything Monica was selling and, in hindsight, regrets it.
But that doesn’t mean Meredith is blameless, and she’s asked if she was dangling the carrot of “rumors and nastiness” hoping someone else on the cast would do her dirty work for her. When some debate emerges over her exact language, Meredith whips out a transcript to deliver a reading of the exact monologue. She’s playing the hits! When Angie calls the monologue a threat, Meredith turns back to her trusty notes and reads through every threat and negative comment Angie made about her throughout the season, including calling her a trampoline with eyes. “That was a compliment,” Angie says.
Ultimately, Angie places the blame squarely on Monica, who she says was determined to air out these rumors from the second she got on the show. This devolves into a fight about which of them deserves to be on the show, and the episode ends on a high, with Angie disrespecting Monica’s carport.
Despite coming off of the high of the finale’s big reveal, wading through the rest of the season’s drama in the meantime surprisingly doesn’t feel like a chore. That’s a testament to their incredibly strong season, even before Heather’s revelation, but also because we’re getting to reevaluate everything that went on this season through the lens of what we know now. We get to pick up on little details that were there all along, right under our noses, and study Monica’s actions in a totally new light. Gone is the grace or benefit of the doubt that Angie once extended her, and instead she’s guilty until proven innocent.
Plus, all of the other dramas feel lighter in comparison. It feels like we’re finding resolution more easily amongst our core four because Reality Von Tease has made most of their little skirmishes feel frivolous. Having a common enemy in Monica might make for the most productive Housewives reunion yet … for everybody except Monica. But fear not; she has an ally on the way.
The grand return of Mary M. Cosby to the reunion stage will likely hold us over until we can finally dive head-first into Reality Von Tease. It’s impossible to fathom what Mary will make of everything, but I need to hear how she pronounces the mouthful that is “Reality Von Tease.” And it’ll be interesting to see how Monica, a pro at being a lone wolf so far, performs with somebody on her side. After all, before the reunion, Mary encouraged everybody to “pray for Monica.” And who knows, maybe Mary’s power of prayer will work.