Let’s talk about Jan for a second. Jan is one of the best Drag Race characters of all-time. Her season 12 arc is so perfect that she set in stone a new archetype for the show: the Needy Theater Kid (who Ru doesn’t give a shit about). As drag changed throughout the 2010s due to Drag Race, we ended up in a world where musical theater performers turn to drag as a route to using their expensive BFAs. Alexis Michelle was the canary in a coal mine for that on Drag Race, but it was Jan who established how those girls would be treated, which is “with disregard.”
But the thing that made Jan’s arc work is that she didn’t really know what was happening to her — the judges had loved girls before, hated them, but it was not nearly as common for a queen to get as far as she did and be completely overlooked, positively or negatively. When she was denied her Rusical win despite being the resident musical-theater expert, her breakdown happened in real time. It was gripping TV! It instantly became a meme! It was such a successful moment that it kicked off a run of Drag Race trying to do the same thing to a bunch of different queens, to varying success rates. Denali, Loosey, Marcia x3, All-Stars Alexis Michelle, and now Q have all had some Jan sprinkled on their narratives, but none of them work quite as well (though Loosey came close).
Despite the satisfying face crack, Q knows what’s happening to her: She’s being Janned. And so she knows not to give into the emotion, not to make it more of a moment than she wants it to be. She’s too in control. At the top of the episode, watching Q seethe and Plane poke at her to share, I was left with drama blue balls. Drag Race’s archetypes are by now so ingrained that the queens can see how their arcs are playing out in real time, and can then choose not to fully engage. On the one hand, I get it: Q doesn’t want to be embarrassed on national TV. On the other hand, Plane has made a meal out of sinking her teeth into the “villain” role, which has been eschewed by queens for years now, but made her into one of the stars of the season.
And then there’s Sapphira, Q’s foil in these scenes. She gets mildly offended at one point, but she’d never, ever get out of control on camera. That’s just not her way. It can be fun to watch a queen who is out of control face off against a stonewall (see: PhiPhi vs. Willam), but watching Q and Sapphira’s simmering tensions is not exciting. Then they ultimately resolve the issue with a conversation about word choice, which is as exciting as it sounds. It’s all just too pat, with all the players knowing how to play their cards. Yes, Q is feeling a real emotion, but she holds in as much of it as she physically can. Yes, Sapphira is annoyed at that emotion, but she’s ultimately a mama bear who gives Q grace. It’s not new for queens to be too controlled to make Drag Race exciting, but after a season of Plane stirring the pot, watching two queens simmer is not thrilling television.
The episode, unfortunately, does not make up for its limp conflict with expert drag. The challenge is, in essence, the club-design challenge from All-Stars 4 but with bathrooms. The issue with this challenge, which they also used on AS5, is that the only version of it that makes sense is the club one, which invites critique on whether or not they made it seem like a legitimately fun night out. Take it out of the club, and you’re just left with a comedy challenge. That’s fine, but it’s a lot of watching queens do manual labor for that manual labor not to matter.
For the second episode in a row, the queens are assigned to teams, which I’m still against. Show me the working dynamics! Who likes who? Who don’t the other girls want to work with?
The teams are:
Q and Morphine, who end up doing a “Hell” concept that isn’t particularly creative.
Dawn and Nymphia, who come up with a Museum of F.Art concept that is the best in class, even if they (spoiler) ultimately botch it.
Sapphira and Plane, who are clearly going to be the best.
The most exciting part of the episode, by my measure, is Plane’s breakdown. This could easily have gone sour if there was a sense she was playing it up for TV, but it really did seem earnest, like the pressure of being a perma-confident drag robot was getting to her. She just completely surrenders to her emotions, and Sapphira’s help (which is also some good “got to help my teammate to save my ass” help) was sweet. Plane makes good TV.
We get to the challenge and It! Is! Painful!
First up is the Hell group. Morphine and Q both decide that “a valley girl voice that I sometimes don’t use” is their best bet for comedy gold. It’s become clear that Q has some talent as a comedy writer, even if she isn’t a great performer of it, so the jokes aren’t bad. Lucy the Third and Lucy the Third-er as their names is a solid bit. Morphine, though, just kind of rolls over and lets Q take the lead, which is sad to watch, given how much she’s been talking about wanting to win a challenge. These two don’t have much chemistry, the characters aren’t fully defined, and, while their space is funny, set pieces are not enough to make the performances work. Last week, I noted that I can happily watch bad stand-up. This week’s challenge does not have the same effect, and I cringed through the entire presentation.
Next is the F.Art museum. They have the best space by a wide margin, but that does not matter. What does matter is that they, again, have no chemistry and the jokes aren’t funny. Nymphia steamrolls Dawn completely, and Dawn doesn’t have the presence to take the scene back. A note on Nymphia: Wow, what an eye she has for costumes. The balloon tits for an art museum character is genius and hilarious. When something is within her skillset, she is legitimately world-class, all the time. Unfortunately, she has no capabilities in things that are not in her skillset, which is a death knell on this show. On Dawn: When she does speak, she goes in and out of the character’s voice and, either way, it’s never worth listening to. I like Dawn, I think she can be funny, but it’s just not her challenge.
Plane and Sapphira have probably the least exciting concept, but that’s beside the point. They kill it. The jokes are there, the chemistry is there, the characterizations are there. It all works. Was I laughing all the way through? No. Did I ever feel uncomfortable or get a sense that either was ever out of control, even for a moment? Also no. Good work, girls. It’s crazy that they let the two best speakers in the room be on the same team.
The runway category is chains. Morphine’s look starts from a great point, but the shape of the head and the matte, ochre panty really throw it off. Later on the episode, the shine of her look really helps her out, though, as do the bright lips. Q’s look is fine, but I must address the wig. WHAT IS IT? A sculpted wig with fuzzy ear flaps on the side?? Is that what I’m seeing? Please, someone explain this to me. I hate it. Dawn looks fine, but it’s not exactly breathtaking. She needed something incredible. Nymphia looks so good. I like her quirky side, but nothing beats when she just goes full CharismaUniquenessNerveTalent. God she looks hot. It’s insane. Plane’s doesn’t excite me, but I can’t deny that it’s well made. It’s fine. A baseline Plane look. Sapphira brings it home with an out-of-character fetishwear dog outfit. It’s shocking to see her like this, in all the good ways. If there’s a nitpick (and why shouldn’t there be), it’s that the ears should be bigger.
Sapphira and Plane end up double winning the challenge. If there was only going to be one, I think it would be Sapphira, if only for the much stronger runway look, but giving a solo win to Sapphira three weeks in a row would be a lot. Giving any wins to Sapphira three weeks in a row is already a lot!
Dawn and Morphine end up lip syncing (rightly) to “Body” by Megan Thee Stallion. It is a murder, which is to be expected when you have one quirky white girl with a body resembling a toothpick in the bottom against a girl who has gotten the note “we need more than just your BBL” lip syncing to a song called “Body.” But also, Dawn doesn’t do herself any favors by having the chains dangling in front of her face the entire time, while Morphine’s bright red lips show off just how well she knows that rap. So Dawn goes home, catapulting Morphine into the top five. A surprise! Good for her.
• Whatever, they chat. Mayan Lopez comes back and, it must be said, acts like a fan who paid extra for a meet and greet.
• Top Four Prediction: I’m expecting it to be Morphine out. Hoping they send home a girl at top four, too, if only for the drama.
• Gay thoughts from gay people: My best friend from college who is, fun fact, the smartest and most beautiful person in the world, Gilda Geist, was kind enough to send me thoughts on the season: “Dawn, who in the beginning of the season was one of my favorite queens, has proven herself to be a sleeper mean girl. Because Plane Jane earned her reputation as the bitch of the season early on, Dawn has been able to get away with all kinds of cliquey shenanigans. I first noticed this when Dawn pushed Plasma out of her chosen role in the SNL challenge. Did Plasma go on to win the challenge anyway? Yes. But did Dawn’s conduct give me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside (to borrow a phrase from Plasma)? No. At least Plane Jane owns up to being a mean girl, and there’s something to be said for self-awareness. Still, Dawn’s runway looks are fire, and ultimately, there’s no such thing as too much shade on RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
• UK vs. The World Report: It’s nice to see Tia just completely smash a challenge at this point. She’s been the best of the week a few times now, but nothing’s been at this level. That was one of the top five or six roasts in Drag Race history. One has to imagine it’ll come down to her and Marina for the crown at this point. I’ll be pulling for Marina, and, given that it’s a lip sync tournament, I think I just might get my wish. LGD is a star, I hope to see her on a U.S. All Stars season at some point. I figure that touring in some English-speaking countries might help her translate her sense of humor. She clearly has it, and I want to see her on the runway forever.