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All I have to say is: Get outta here, Harbottle! Nobody wants you here!
This week, new arrival Miss Harbottle has the thankless task of trying to reform our group of lovable misfits. No one ever likes this type of character. You can’t expect our faves to “keep proper accounts,” “send invoices,” and “not keep rats in their office.” They’re busy saving cows and bonding with the local folk at the pub.
One might say this episode was a repudiation of capitalism in favor of a bartering system dependent on close community ties, but why would anyone want that in their escapist English village show when capitalism is working out so well? *Side eye emoji* We also get a cow subplot and a ferret, which is very fun.
First: the animals. We start out chaotically with some goats on the loose in the practice. James has them in surgery together because they refuse to be split up (extremely cute goat behavior). But then Siegfried storms in looking for a suture kit because his brother is fighting in a massive war, which makes him upset for some reason. Siegfried keeps acting out, apparently by accidentally freeing goats, who then rampage adorably around the practice. The goats are named Betty and Hilda, and their owner pays for their treatment in preserves. BARTER ECONOMY. Why won’t Target accept my poorly done cross-stitch in exchange for some yoga pants?
I want to commend this season for continuing to not murder any cows. Truly unprecedented. A grumpy farmer Dakin calls Siegfried out to see to his cow Blossom, who was stepped on by another cow. Apparently this has happened multiple times?? Damn, maybe I WON’T feel guilty when I eat cow, so long as it’s the cow that stepped on Blossom. Siegfried tells Dakin that Blossom is probably costing him more than she’s producing, so he should send her to the slaughterhouse (CAPITALISM). Not that Siegfried is being an asshole here; he just knows how precarious farming is. We love you, Siegfried.
When the butcher shows up with his murder truck, Dakin takes a moment to say good-bye to Blossom and talks about how the night she was born, he covered her to keep her warm and helped her stand for the first time. The number of times this show has made me weep over cows. Remember Clive the Bull? I will never forget Clive. Bulls can live 10 to 12 years, so it’s entirely possible the bull actor playing Clive is still alive, and I’m going to keep telling myself that for decades to come.
But anyway, Siegfried also can’t handle this extremely sad parting, and he comes up with an idea on the spot about Blossom feeding baby cows and staying in the barn so the other cows don’t step all over her. So Blossom is saved! Take your truck away, butcher; no slaughtering for you today! Unless you had other stops to make, but that is not my business.
Miss Harbottle is entirely Siegfried’s fault. He’s really just going through it with Tristan away, but that’s no excuse! Harbottle ruins the vibe. She might as well be the lawyer hired to replace Rebecca in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, who refuses to get involved with her coworkers’ lives because she’s there to “do a job.” Okay, ma’am. Clearly you don’t understand how things work around here. Siegfried hires her to handle administrative work because the practice is disorganized, to put it lightly.
If I worked there, yes, I would be horrified by how they handle their accounting and bill payments and everything. But also, it’s a veterinary practice in a small village in the 1930s! Therefore it’s endearing that they keep their money in a jug. Miss Harbottle, played by Neve McIntosh, a.k.a. Madame Vastra from Doctor Who, arrives with a carpet bag like an un-fun Mary Poppins, clearly hates animals — at least rats and ferrets — and demands Siegfried get a down payment from all clients requesting an appointment. What is this fascist veterinary practice you envision, madam! She also gets rid of the Money Jug, which is a crime.
The down payment is half a crown, and I really tried to figure out what that would equal out to today in U.S. dollars, or even British pounds, but I had to give up. The old British monetary system is very “you have 5 seebees to a weevil and 14 weevils to a wizbat.” Not that the weights and measures that we took from them make any more sense, but at least our coinage does.
To just really solidify that she will be first to get kicked off the island by the viewers, Harbottle very firmly tells Mrs. Hall that Harbottle will be answering the phone from now on. How dare you make Mrs. Hall feel even the slightest bit bad at any moment of her entire life. In high school, a classmate who was a foot taller than I was stomped on a book I cared about very much and I launched myself onto his back to defend it, like a very angry squirrel guarding a nut hoard. This rudeness inspires similar feelings.
Harbottle also risks a ferret with her coldhearted approach of making customers pay for goods and services. James meets the ferret’s owner at the Drovers when the man, Joe, plays a game called Ferret Roulette involving a ferret and a coat. The ferret has a suspicious lump and James tells Joe to bring it by the practice. Only when Joe comes by does Harbottle demand half a crown. How much do you think Ferret Roulette pays, Harbottle!
Because Siegfried is too scared to fire Harbottle, he and James decide to wait until she leaves for the day and then do Secret Ferret Surgery at night. Gentlemen. This is unhinged. Just what I would expect from my lovable band of scrappy misfits! James ferries Joe and his friends over from the pub after they watch Harbottle leave. This entire sequence is delightful, and I thank the show for being willing to devote substantial screen time to moments like this and things like Siegfried’s long scenic drive through the countryside. Vibe trumps plot here.
Secret Ferret Surgery goes well for the ferret, but Joe passes out while watching, and of course, Harbottle comes back, having forgotten the letters she was going to mail. Siegfried finally has the courage to fire her, but she declares that she resigns. Siegfried buys drinks for everyone at the Drovers using the practice’s money (SIEGFRIED), and he and Mrs. Hall laugh together at the bar because they’re subconsciously in love. Oh, and James and Helen decide to try to have a baby, which I absolutely don’t care about, but I continue to support Helen’s cozy sweaters.
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